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“What are you doing right now?”

Simple unambiguous question, wouldn’t you say? It used to be, till the folks at Facebook (consciously or accidentally) upgraded it to a complex personality test.

They’ve done this in two simple but lethal steps. One, they’ve called the answer a status update. And two, they’ve put your update out there for all to see. This means your actions can now speak louder than a heavily monogrammed Louis Vuitton bag.

This promise (or threat) seems to have brought cracking order to the fuzzy group of people we loosely and fondly call friends.

With just one question, the haves have been spliced cleanly from the have beens. The have beens in turn are separated from the been-there-done-thats. The list goes on, too long for this post to hold, without butting into the next blog.

So installments it is. Here’s the first of the ‘types’ I’ve discovered, as a part of my fully fatru research, triggered by new preference options. These let me see the status updates of not just friends, but friends of friends and friends of friends of friends. So all those of my friends with fingers on the block friend button, it may not be about you...

The so-much-to-show-so-little-space type

I think this personality type started reading the term status updates, but gave up halfway through the two-word plot. “The ending is obvious no ya?” they thought. “Actual mein, I already know that the only word that goes well with status is symbol.”

Signs of luxury, wealth and success ooze out richly from these people’s updates like ghee from a mysore pak. Any new acquisition makes it here faster than pirated copies of a new movie at the grey market.

To spot this type, you should know that some of them use a deceptively humble tone. Do not be fooled by it - it’s not a sign of modesty anymore than a 5-bedroom villa is a garib khaana. To get behind the fuzz of humility, look out for the clever use of interactive features like comments.

For example, consider this.

Gori C. is homesick for Indian food. Watch how this one grows in status with comments like, 'which part of the world are you in NOW?' And ‘you jet setter you!’ Do not make the mistake of saying 'awwww why don’t you come home for some dal chawal', unless you want to see the gory side of Gori.

Another example is the innocent info seeker who keys in SomeRat wants to know how long transpacific jet lags last. If you really want to know the answer to that SomeRat, you're in the wrong place. Try search engines pet.

Another specialty of this type of personality is that time has no meaning for them. If our barons are talking about new acquisitions which they don't have yet or anymore, this is how they will get the tenses to slave for them.

Present tense: La di da is awed by the beauty of her private island.

Past tense: D. Leer’s finger hurts from the weight of the diamond ring she wore yesterday.

Future tense: Evanna B. can’t wait to meet her new BMW.

If you still haven't spotted the ‘so-much-to-show-so-little-space type’ from among your friends, try this final surefire method. Think of any clichéd line about love and replace love with status. Status conquers all. True status is forever. Status makes the world go round. If it works for any of your friends, bingo, you’ve got your man or woman. Till death do you part.

Next: The Piles-to-show-before-I-sleep type