public service inventions we could all do with

Today, I stumbled on an amazing fact. A Mercedes (C, E or S-Class) can be fitted with a reverse parking sensor kit that warns you of obstacles behind your car when you back into a tight parking spot. And if you’re really fastidious, you can get the sensors spray painted to match your car perfectly.

If ever I meet the inventors who’ve gone through all this trouble to protect a rear bumper and a no claims bonus, I want to hand them my wish list of inventions.

Mouth sensors for feet: These sensors are embedded at the corners of your mouth and tinted with kiss proof paint to match your lipstick (nude shades would be a hit this season). These set off an extended fit of coughing to expel all thoughts of speech when your foot threatens to get into your mouth. These sensors are programmed to automatically get activated when you’re 3 bloody marys down.

Ex-file: This one forces you to take a u-turn when there’s an ex within a kilometre. This innovation has multi-functional sensors that work on all categories of exes, including ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands and ex-friends (the ones you made before you installed the mouth sensors for feet).

Itchy finger kit: This sophisticated device fits neatly into the magnetic strip of your credit card (the black strip at the back of a credit card – if yours looks balder than your car tyres, you definitely need this gadget). Every time you get close to maxing your card, this sensor sets off a strong optical illusion that makes the card invisible. The kit comes with an instruction booklet that has face saving lines such as: “Oh oh, I think I must have left my card at the Mercedes showroom when I bought my maid a car”.

Bum sensors: This one works on the principle of the sensors that save no claim bonuses. The portable device fits into your back pocket and detects habitual freeloaders who usually leave abruptly between the arrival of last drinks and the bill. It then uses consumed alcohol as fuel to propel you off your seat faster than the moochers and to steer you into the loo. With this one, you have nothing to lose, but your cheapo companions.